The Real Backstory of Twighlight
by author2be3
Summary: Think you know Twighlight...? Well guess what? THE CAKE IS A LIE! Prepare to see the TRUTH about Twighlight and how it all began! Origanlly "The Real Backstory of Edward Cullen"!
1. Edward Cullen's Story

**Hello everyone! Well I've had writers block for heaven knows how long, and my computer was malfunctioning for the longest time, so I have been gone a while. I came up with this story to let you know I am still around… I'm just too busy to write.  
>For those of you who are reading some of my other fics, I promise I will get back to them, I am writing the next parts as we speak! <strong>

**If you're still not happy with that give me a break! Its junior year! And let's not for forget that my computer still has a few bugs in it. **

**On another note, I want to give a BIG thanks to my friends Brigid and Elizabeth for helping me write this story!  
>Enough rambling from me, enjoy!<strong>

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><p>I was not always a vampire that sparkled in the sun and attracted girls and guys alike.<br>There is a truth to me no one knew… until now, and I can't hold it in anymore; this lie I have kept form my fan-base. I have been in denial for a long time but it is time to tell the truth.

You see, I didn't always have these fangs and terrifying good looks. The truth is I was once… a FAIRY!

I still kept my fairy like qualities, well besides my fairy wings and fairy dust. I had to give those up in order to impress Bella.

It all began the first day I saw Bella. I thought she was the most beautiful human I ever did see (except I had never seen any humans before so I assumed she was pretty).

You see, I always believed I was a terrifying fairy, and the fairy queen said if I believed in myself I could be a terrifying fairy. So therefore I was.

I decided to win Bella over with a scare tactic.  
>I swooped down in front of her with my emerald green wings. In a monotone voice I said:<p>

"Good evening Infa- I mean … Bella."

In a very dry voice she said, "How do you know my name?"  
>"Well I was certainly not stalking you and watching you while you sleep."<br>"What?"  
>"Nothing. Do you know what I am?"<br>"A fairy?"  
>"A TERRIFYING fairy."<br>"A terrifying fairy?"  
>"A TERRRIFYING FAIRY!"<br>"That totally impresses me with your emerald wings, sparkling body, and fairy dust."  
>"Really?"<br>"No."  
>"Then what would impress you?"<br>"A vampire" she said. (Now that I think about it she did sound sarcastic when she said that…)

"Then I, Edward Cullen, will become a vampire for you, Bella Marie Swan!"  
>"You know my middle name too?"<br>"Uh… got to go!"  
>So I set out for the sorceress Stephanie Meyer, even though she was known for taking people's work and calling it her own.<br>I felt I could trust her.

When I arrived at her house, I didn't realize I entered a home that was a giant mess with books about crappy supernatural romances, vampires fighting werewolves, and pathetic protagonists.

"Ms. Meyer, I have to ask you something."

A young lady popped her head up, "Yeesss?"  
>"Can you make me a vampire?"<br>"A vampire?"

"Yes, I must become a vampire in order to win Bella's affection. Because she is the most beautiful, most honest, fairest, most dependant human I have ever met. She looks just like her mother, and her home is beautiful. She is gorgeous when she sleeps, eats, and goes to school.

(Many hours later of constant stalker descriptions that they drove author2be3 so insane, that she forced Brigid to continue the story.)

"Oh you wonderful boy! I will defiantly make you a vampire! Only if you let me write your story into a four part novel series!"

"Okay."  
>"Great! Now just close your eyes."<br>I did so.  
>"Abra-kadabra!" Nothing happened.<br>"Wait Hocus- pocus! No, wait that's a movie."  
>I hear pages turning.<br>"Ah. Bip-ady bop-ady boo!"  
>I felt a change, "Am I a vampire now?"<br>"Um… sort of. Don't open your eyes!"

Against better judgment, I opened one eye.  
>"You made me Cinderella!"<br>"Hey it could be worse. Now shush! Avada ka da- no wait. I take that one back."

(Many more hours of later, that Brigid got tired and got Elizabeth to write the rest of it).

"Open sesa- on no that's not right…"  
>"Can you turn me into a vampire or not?"<br>"Erm… no not really… but I can do plastic surgery! I finished my degree online yesterday!"  
>"You've operated on other people before right?"<br>"Does Operation count?"

(Due to the rating of this story, we are not allowed to explain what happens next. But do note that there was a LOT of screaming. Not all of the screams were from Edward).

"Well that should do it! However, there are a few side effects."  
>"Side effects?"<br>"Well you still have some fairy like qualities such as sparkling in the sunshine. But you do have fangs and a craving for blood, so I think you will be okay."  
>"But I'm a vampire right?"<br>"Well… um… sure."  
>"Yes! Now I can impress Bella!"<p>

After that, I rushed out to find Bella.  
>I found her just outside the forest.<p>

"Bella, I have become what will impress you."  
>"What are you talking about?"<br>"I want to suck your blood."  
>"What?"<br>"I mean… I want to show you something, because I'm a vampire."  
>"How are you in the sunlight and why are you sparkling?"<br>"No time! I'm going to fly you to this dark scary part of the forest."

So I picked Bella up and jumped into the air, only to fall back down.

"Where are my wings?"  
>"Wings? I thought you were a vampire?"<br>"Um… I am… a vampire…"

So in the end, I carried her to this dark creepy stop in the forest. When I put her down I said:

"Now, go ahead and say it. Say it out loud."  
>"Say what?"<p>

I began to stomp my feet constantly and my voiced turned to a squeal, similar to a child tantrum.  
>"Say I'm a vampire!"<br>"Why would I say that?"  
>"Because I am!"<br>"This is getting stupid. I'm leaving."  
>"No! Don't go!" I started to cry.<br>"You're crying? Vampires don't cry."  
>"They do if they're in love!"<br>"What the heck! I don't even know you! I only found out last week that you were stalking me!"  
>"I was not stalking you. I was merely observing you from a distance wherever you went."<br>"That's stalking! You know what? You're not a vampire or a fairy. You know what you are? A freak of nature! So quit stalking me before I call the cops!"

And she left me to cry my eyes out.

Just crying and crying…

Crying and crying….

Crying and crying…

Cry-

(You get the point. We're going to fast forward considering Edward wasted three days crying until he gathered enough strength to get out of his fetal position. And another two days to stand up. And another day to actually start walking again).

I walked all the way to Stephanie Meyer's house.

I pushed open the door, still sobbing.

Stephanie poked her head out and said, "Yeesss?"

"Bella rejected ME!"  
>"Oh you poor boy. Don't you worry! I will personally rewrite your story! She will fall for you and your manliness! And just for fun, I'll throw in werewolves! I have no idea how those creatures work, but I'll just wing it!"<br>"Re-really?"  
>"Absolutely!"<p>

So now you know the truth! I am not a vampire, I am a fairy in a vampire's body!

Now I don't have to live a lie anymore!

**THE END**

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><p><strong>I hope you liked the comedic style of Brigid, Elizabeth, and myself! <strong>

**References: Jeff Dunham, Sponge Bob, Cinderella, Harry Potter, and Aladdin. **

**Thank you for reading! **


	2. Jacob Black's Tale

**We're BAAAAACK!  
>And for some crazy reason we were inspired to keep going…<br>Only this time, Elizabeth could not join us on this one… :(  
>So it is Brigid and I on this one. <strong>

**We proudly present to you, part two of **_**The Real Back Story of Twilight: Jacob Black's Tale!**_**  
>AN: This takes place a week after the 1****st**** one.**

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><p>I was not always the super attractive werewolf that lost his shirt every 5 seconds and had bad taste in girls.<p>

The truth is, I was normal once, but then I took and arrow to the knee- no wait, I mean- but then I met … THEM!

That sparkling fruit kabob you call a vampire with that psychotic author!

I will never know what possessed me to join this merry band of freaks, but it's too late for that now.

This whole mess started not too long ago when I entered into the house that had a cardboard sign duck taped to the door with the words "_where-wolf interviews_" written in black sharpie.

The house was full of those stupid supernatural romance books with the most pathetic plotlines.

A young lady popped her head out, "Yeessss?"  
>"I'm here for the werewolf interviews."<br>"Are you a werewolf?"  
>"Well… not exactly."<br>"Then what _exactly _are you?"  
>"I am a dog groomer. But I had a friend who owned a wolf that I groomed. So I know what wolves are."<br>"well you're the closest thing I've got."  
>"Oh really? Why?"<br>"Because no one showed up." The woman began to open her laptop and started to type something.  
>"Oh, well… So I will be happy to-"<p>

"WHAT!"  
>"What's the matter?"<br>"Oh not you. I just found out this 'Jane Austin' has more likes than me! I'm going to give this chick a piece of my mind!"  
>"Well don't expect her to respond."<br>"Why?"  
>"She's dead... She's been dead for quite a while."<br>"WHAT? HOW COULD A DEAD PERSON BE MORE POPULAR THAN MOI! I'M STEPHANIE MEYER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

"Oh! You're… Stephanie Meyer?"  
>"Yeah, who did you think I was?"<br>"Heidi Montage?"  
>"ARE YOU KIDDING ME! All of <span>this<span> is real!"  
>"Oh… um… my apologies. Would you like me to recommend you an excellent plastic surgeon?"<p>

"NO!" She said as she narrowed her eyes at me.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door.  
>In an annoying sing-song voice Ms. Meyer said, "Yeessss, come iiinnn!"<p>

You could hear the door knob slowly turn and the door burst open.  
>Standing in the door way was a tall blond girl dressed in a black robe with a patch that said Hogwarts.<p>

"Who are you?" Ms. Meyer asked.

"I am Ashlie," She said in a British accent, "And the reason why you have less likes than Jane Austin is because your writing is terrible, horrible, and quite frankly atrocious!"

Ms. Meyer's jaw dropped. Leaving her to say this scattered phrase:  
>"I-you … Wha-ugh… GET… OUT… OF… MY… HOUSE!"<p>

"NO! And another thing, you're going about this all wrong with the werewolves."  
>Ashlie looked at me, "You sir are not a werewolf! You are a DOG GROOMER! I happen to know a REAL werewolf, and he does not groom dogs. He turns into a werewolf every full moon, not when he wants to! And another thing-"<p>

"I said get out of my house!" And Ms. Meyer slammed the door right on Ashlie's face.  
>"How rude!" Ashlie said from the other side of the door.<p>

Ms. Meyer turned back to me, "Now about you becoming a werewolf…"  
>"Yes?"<br>"We are going to need surgery!"  
>"Surgery…?"<br>"Yes," She said while stretching a rubber glove over her hand, "Now hold still."  
>"Wait! Have you operated on someone before?"<br>"Yes! I did last week."  
>"Can I speak with him?"<br>"Oh no. You see he's in denial right now."  
>"Denial of what?"<br>"Oh nothing… JUST HOLD STILL!"

(We are sorry to inform you that this next scene cannot be shown. However we can say there was a lot of screaming, from Stephanie, Jacob, and one large tuft of fur. In the mean time please enjoy this image of a smiley face)

:D

"Okay! How do you feel?"  
>"Kind of different… I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach."<br>"Good! Embrace that feeling! Imagine yourself becoming a wolf!"

"I feel it … its coming! It's-"

**Toot. **

Next thing I knew Stephanie Meyer was chocking on my gas.

"I suddenly have an urge to find a girl named Bella!" And as I started to leave, Ms. Meyer said in between coughs:

"Don't go smelling like that! *cough*you'll kill my main character!"  
>But I was already gone.<p>

I searched everywhere until I found a girl named Bella.  
>I believed she was single even though there was some sparkling guy stalking her.<br>I crept over to her.

"Hello there." I said.  
>"What…?" She said dryly.<br>"I am Jacob, and I am a werewolf!"  
>"A werewolf?"<br>"Yes! I can transform into a wolf… dog… thing."  
>"Oh really?"<p>

And so I dug down really deep until,  
>"Hey, you didn't tell me you were a toy poodle!" And Bella picked me up with a dull look on her face.<p>

"Oh come on! I sparkle for crying out loud!" The sparkling stalker shouted.

"Back off fruit cake!" I shouted.  
>I leaped out of Bella's arms screaming:<br>"I AM A TERRIFYING TOY POODLE!" And I bit his ankle.

"Ow! Let go of me fuzz ball! Bella is mine!"

I transformed back into a human.  
>I coiled my hand into a fist and… slapped Edward.<p>

He in turn slapped me.  
>We continuously slapped and chased around one another.<br>Bella just stood there watching with a blank look; having no interest or emotion in our fight whatsoever.

"Don't worry Bella!" Edward shouted, "I will defeat this fiend for you!"  
>"Okay." Bella said as she walked away.<p>

(We are going to fast forward because these two kept slapping each other not knowing Bella left about 8 hours ago… seriously!)

We continued slapping each other until,  
>"Hello everyone! I have arrived!" Stephanie Meyer said.<br>"Why are you here?" Edward asked.

"I brought reinforcements for Jacob!"  
>"WHAT! Whose side are you on! I thought I was your main character!"<br>"You are. But this is more interesting!"

"Alright!" I shouted, "Now cower in fear you sparkling sissy, from my wolf pack!"

We all stood there awkwardly as if something was supposed to happen.  
>I cleared my throat and glared at Stephanie.<br>"Oh you want the dogs? Why didn't you say so?"

Stephanie Meyer pulled out a backpack filled with stuffed dogs.  
>"There you go."<p>

"Stuffed dogs? I thought they were real dogs!"  
>"Oh real dogs? Why didn't you say that? Be more specific, seriously!"<br>Stephanie Meyer whistled and a various array of dogs arrived.

A wiener dog, a pug, and a cheiwawa!

"Wait a minute," Edward said, "where is my love interest?"  
>"I think she left a few hours ago…" Ms. Meyer answered.<br>"Then why are we still fighting?"

"I don't know," I said, "You want to call a quits for the day?"  
>"Sure, we can hang out sometime."<p>

"Ah no. You can't." Stephanie Meyer objected.  
>"Why not?"<br>"Because people might start shipping you guys."  
>"Shipping?"<br>"Yeah, it were you take two characters that aren't romantically involved and you force them to be a couple in various drawings before moving on to some other series."

"Um… we know what shipping is, and that doesn't apply to us!"  
>"Oh really? Then I've been doing this wrong."<p>

"On a different note," Edward said to me, "You want to go make shrines for Bella?"

"SURE!"

(Many hours later)

"I just can't do it!" Edward cried, "I can't make a shrine! I give up on everything because I am so hopeless! I'm going to run away and live the life of a fairy again!"  
>And he ran away.<p>

"Okay. Good luck with that. And because I rocked at making a shrine, I'm going to go stalk – erm I mean follow Bella."

And so there you have it.

Eventually Edward 'man-ed up' and came back, so I had to "back off."

But now you know the truth.

I am forever forced to be in love with some emotionless, pale, pathetic girl who is impressed with my adorable toy poodle-ness. I am not a werewolf; I am a were-poodle!

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><p><strong>There you go!<br>If we ever get inspired again, we might continue. **

**Tell us what you thought of it!  
>Also we quoted: Jeff Dunham, Yu-Gi-Oh Abriged, and Harry Potter (sorta')<strong>

**Thanks for reading!**


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